Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Jerry Seinfeld
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
Jerry Seinfeld
We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.
Jerry Seinfeld
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
Jerry Seinfeld
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
Jerry Seinfeld
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Jerry Seinfeld
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
Jerry Seinfeld
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
Jerry Seinfeld
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
Jerry Seinfeld
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
Jerry Seinfeld
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
Jerry Seinfeld