Quotes By Jay Leno

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.

You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.