Quotes By Jay Leno

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.

You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.