Quotes By Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.