Quotes By Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Take my wife... Please!

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.