Quotes By Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.