Quotes By Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.