Quotes By Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Take my wife... Please!

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.