Quotes By George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

At my age flowers scare me.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.