Quotes By George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

At my age flowers scare me.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.