Quotes By Dennis Miller

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

I lapsed into rude.