Quotes By Dennis Miller

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

I rant, therefore I am.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

I lapsed into rude.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.