Quotes By Dennis Miller

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

I rant, therefore I am.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.