Quotes By David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

There is no off position on the genius switch.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.