Quotes By Colin Quinn

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.

He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

I like guy stuff.

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.

Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.

Everybody's funny in different ways.

My name has zero value.

I was a class clown.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.

I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial.

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.

If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material.

I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.