Quotes By Carol Burnett

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it's too bad that we don't have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team's lawyers.

Well, I don't know how astute I am, but I did want to be a journalist when I was growing up.

I'm glad I was born when I was. My time was the golden age of variety. If I were starting out again now, maybe things would happen for me, but it certainly would not be on a variety show with 28 musicians, 12 dancers, two major guest stars, 50 costumes a week by Bob Mackie. The networks just wouldn't spend the money today.

Because nobody goes through life without a scar.

I never regretted turning down anything, I never regretted losing a job because I always felt something else was out there.

I don't eat much meat, fish, or poultry.

You know, one wonderful thing that came out of my Enquirer experience is that, in my case, it was ruled tabloids are magazines. Which means they didn't have the protection that a newspaper has.

I love the writing. I love the idea of typing and seeing it on the computer and printing it out myself and, you know, moving sentences around. I like that.

I had a good loud voice and I wasn't afraid to be goofy or zany.

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

I liked myself better when I wasn't me.

I wish my mother had left me something about how she felt growing up. I wish my grandmother had done the same. I wanted my girls to know me.

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

As far as sitcoms go, I thought Jenna Elfman in 'Dharma and Greg' was a wonderful physical comedienne who had great timing.

But I didn't ask to have somebody nose around in my private life. I didn't even ask to be famous. All I asked was to be able to earn a living making people laugh.

But I don't begrudge anybody, because I know how hard it is to have that dream and to make it happen, whether or not it's just to put a roof over your head and food on the table.

In '57, I got a job at the Blue Angel nightclub, and a gentleman named Ken Welch wrote all my material for me. I lived at a place called the Rehearsal Club that was actually the basis for a play called Stage Door.

Originally, I came from Texas, and we lived on - I guess you'd call it welfare, what we called relief.

I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes.

Celebrity was a long time in coming; it will go away. Everything goes away.

My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week, double features, second run.

My interesting diet tips are eat early and don't nosh between meals. I mean, I can pack it away.

Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.

My grandmother and I followed my mother here, to a house a block north of Hollywood Boulevard but a million miles away from Hollywood, if you know what I mean. We would hang out behind the ropes and look at the movie stars arriving at the premieres.

We don't stop going to school when we graduate.

When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.

I was once asked to do my Tarzan yell at Bergdorf Goodman, and a guard burst in with a gun! Now I only do it under controlled circumstances.

It's also selfish because it makes you feel good when you help others. I've been helped by acts of kindness from strangers. That's why we're here, after all, to help others.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.