Quotes By Carol Burnett

My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week, double features, second run.

My interesting diet tips are eat early and don't nosh between meals. I mean, I can pack it away.

I never regretted turning down anything, I never regretted losing a job because I always felt something else was out there.

Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.

I don't eat much meat, fish, or poultry.

We don't stop going to school when we graduate.

I was once asked to do my Tarzan yell at Bergdorf Goodman, and a guard burst in with a gun! Now I only do it under controlled circumstances.

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

I liked myself better when I wasn't me.

It's also selfish because it makes you feel good when you help others. I've been helped by acts of kindness from strangers. That's why we're here, after all, to help others.

Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.

You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself.

I think the hardest thing to do in the world, show-business-wise, is write comedy.

But I didn't ask to have somebody nose around in my private life. I didn't even ask to be famous. All I asked was to be able to earn a living making people laugh.

It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it's too bad that we don't have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team's lawyers.

I'm glad I was born when I was. My time was the golden age of variety. If I were starting out again now, maybe things would happen for me, but it certainly would not be on a variety show with 28 musicians, 12 dancers, two major guest stars, 50 costumes a week by Bob Mackie. The networks just wouldn't spend the money today.

I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes.

Celebrity was a long time in coming; it will go away. Everything goes away.

Because nobody goes through life without a scar.

You know, one wonderful thing that came out of my Enquirer experience is that, in my case, it was ruled tabloids are magazines. Which means they didn't have the protection that a newspaper has.

I love the writing. I love the idea of typing and seeing it on the computer and printing it out myself and, you know, moving sentences around. I like that.

My grandmother and I followed my mother here, to a house a block north of Hollywood Boulevard but a million miles away from Hollywood, if you know what I mean. We would hang out behind the ropes and look at the movie stars arriving at the premieres.

I had a good loud voice and I wasn't afraid to be goofy or zany.

When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.

I wish my mother had left me something about how she felt growing up. I wish my grandmother had done the same. I wanted my girls to know me.

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

As far as sitcoms go, I thought Jenna Elfman in 'Dharma and Greg' was a wonderful physical comedienne who had great timing.

I have a great memory.

But I don't begrudge anybody, because I know how hard it is to have that dream and to make it happen, whether or not it's just to put a roof over your head and food on the table.