Quotes By Andy Rooney

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.