Quotes By Andy Rooney

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

Let's make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We'll pick a week next year and we'll all agree not to go anywhere for seven days.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.