Quotes By Andy Rooney

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

Let's make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We'll pick a week next year and we'll all agree not to go anywhere for seven days.