Quotes By Andy Rooney

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.