Quotes By Andy Rooney

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.