Quotes By Andy Rooney

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

Let's make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We'll pick a week next year and we'll all agree not to go anywhere for seven days.

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.