Quotes By Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.