Quotes By Stephen Colbert

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing.

I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians.

I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.

I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that.

Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character.

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.

I love being onstage.

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.

I deliver my Truth hot and hard.

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.

My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.

If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.

I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.

No, my mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.

All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

I can't prove it, but I can say it.