Quotes By Patton Oswalt

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

I mean, all alternative comedy is are comedians that have being doing it for so long, for so long, that they were relaxed enough to start becoming personal on stage.

90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

I think I realized it was an art form at the beginning, but it took me a really long time before I was able to view what I was performing myself as an art form.

I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do.

I'm not familiar with the metric system.

It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.

I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see.

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.

Yeah, there were a few years in the early nineties where I really began to hate what was valued as funny and just sort of what was valued in stand-up, period.

George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.