Quotes By Lewis Black

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Everybody's got cable.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

I'm a Jew.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.