Quotes By Jay London

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I model irregular clothing.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

I was born nine months premature.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

I saw a stationery store move.

You know what burns me? Matches.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?