Quotes By Jay London

I was born nine months premature.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

I saw a stationery store move.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

You know what burns me? Matches.

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.