Quotes By Fred Allen

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.