Quotes By Fred Allen

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.