Quotes By Fred Allen

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.