Quotes By Fran Lebowitz

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.