Quotes By Fran Lebowitz

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

If you're going to America, bring your own food.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.