Quotes By Fran Lebowitz

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

If you're going to America, bring your own food.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

My favorite animal is steak.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Polite conversation is rarely either.