Quotes By Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.