Quotes By Conan O..Brien

I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.

I have an abacus at home.

When all else fails there's always delusion.

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent.

President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second.

Keep cool my babies.

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.